Now I'm erasing, really erasing.
The memories of you, all of it.
I know perfectly well, it's no use.
But I'm still like this, out of habit.

I try, but really..
My heart is yearning for you whom I can't forget.
I am welling up to say "I love you"
So.. I cover my mouth.

This is my sad story.
A difficult story.
A hopeless love story.
It's difficult.. but even if it's just for one day,
I want to continue looking at you.

I know it can't work.
This is yours and my story.
I try, really.
Countless times I tell myself.
But your face lingers.
I can't help myself.

Now.. although we didn't make it,
It's a story that I have given everything I have.
Even if it's by chance, as i walk, I want to run into you.
I know I shouldn't wish for this.
This is yours and my story.

Christmas Break! :)

My Christmas Break Bucket List:


1. Finish at least 3 books!
2. Spend Christmas with my family.
3. Dip Dye some stuff.
4. Random act of kindness.
5. Paint pottery.
6. Buy a bird. :D
7. Go on a road trip at night, to see the Christmas lights.
8. Make a homemade pizza.
9. Have a board game night.
10. Sleep under the Christmas Tree.
11. Go swimming.
12. Have a picture with Santa.
13. Attend Simbang Gabi.
14. Christmas Eve communion at church.
15. Send postcards.
16. Learn an instrument.
17. Do something badass. Go on a psycho trip with a friend and ring people's doorbells like crazy . Run before they get out, and catch you. :D
18. Watch a movie & get shushed in a movie theater.
19. Bowling.
20. Go to a concert with my friends.

21.

22. Christmas movie extravaganza. Elf, Home Alone, and The Santa Clause.
23. See my friends from high school.22. Take time to revisit the places that made you who you are: the apartment you grew up in, your middle school, your hometown. These places may or may not be here forever; you definitely won’t be.
24. Find a hobby that makes being alone feel lovely and empowering and like something to look forward to.
25. Suck it up and buy a new cellphone. Your old cellphone deserves to rest in peace.
26. Bangs and some highlights. :D

Merry Christmas! :)

<3

JPMAP Natl Youth Summit 2012

Posting Picturess!:)

White Party in Fontana.

Before we left for Manila:)

Near MOA to ride the Ferris Wheel :)

On board, going back to my hometown.

The beautiful sky. So puffy, I can almost touch it. :)

"Today" is such a painful word.

Today i wanted to explain to somebody. But he didn't want to hear it. So.. i wasnt able to. 

I was planning on cancelling my trip for the National Youth Summit (Nov 23-27). Even if I already bought the plane tickets, I was wiling to give it up. I didn't want to go to Manila. 

News got to me that my favorite Ninong passed away last night. I have to go see him for the last time on Nov. 23 in Los Banos. 

Come to think of it, I had opposite thoughts in the past. I really really wanted to go to Manila. I wanted to be in the same place as somebody. So i  did all I could to buy the tickets and to join the NYS. When I was buying the ticket last August, all the days before Nov 24 were all either fully booked or had prices three times the cheapest one. So I had no choice but to book that on Nov 23. That is my mom's birthday. I was actually leaving on my mom's bday. What an ungrateful daughter I am. Back then, I thot that it was okay, it was worth it because I was going to see that person finally. Now, I have no more reason to think that way. I feel soooo stupid. Why do I so desperately want to see that person. 

I feel like a part of me has left when he did. I don't feel the same.  I lost all my arrogance. I apologized to somebody a lot of times. But those words weren't enough. I caused him to hate me. "So much." Because he said that, I became afraid. Too afraid to even respond to what he was saying. over the phone. I was hesitant to answer his calls. What if he decides to end it. What if he tells me we should just forget everything. 

Like a fool, I changed everything. I changed my phone number. I changed the name on my facebook account. As if I could forever hide from him. 

I'm not angry at anyone. I'm just frustrated. So I'm gonna hide my self inside my shell. I don't plan to come out now, or tomorrow, or the day after. But I will definitely come out when I'm already fine. 

While me and sis were on our way home, the pedicab ride we had was like a trip to the cemetery. The driver seemed to be in a daze. Didn't have a sense of direction, as if he were not listening, distracted by life's grievances. Just like me. Me and my sis got thrilled every time we were about to crash into the gutters. This happened 3 times. So we ended up laughing. My sister said something was off. She asked what was wrong but. I laughed till my cheeks burned. Till my lips were about to rip open. Till i cried tears. That was when I realized how sad and angry and down I was. 

Arriving home, I had to show myself to the restroom. I shut myself in my room, I ddnt want to face anybody but I knew I needed to face the truth. My head and tummy were both aching. But I couldn't relieve myself. Must be a panic attack. It was as if my body made the choice to punish me. For all the wrongs i have done. So i could finally be forgiven, and make up for everything.  


Good Night.

"MY" first day of classes :)

Second Semester of my Third Year in the University.


Hi! :D

How have you been? Lolz, it's been a long time since I last wrote a blog post. Right now, it's morning and I just took my breakfast. As usual, I ate it happily because my niece (Alliesha Joanna) was dining with me. I cooked a sunny side up and prepared our favorite course for breakfast, THE oatmeal. Hahahha. :)

Feeling lazy a bit. --_--

But! I have to go to school today or else it would be the END for me! Whew! Have to go there and finish the last step for the enrolment process. Yes, I am not yet enrolllleedddd. Lawl, but I have already paid my tuition fee and all. All there is left to do is to get the signature of my adviser (who wasn't at school last week, which is also why I wasn't able to enrol at an early date) and to surrender it to the university's Office of the College Secretary. Hm! Well, good luck to me. I hope this will be easy for me. I won't have the confidence to counter bad events and if unfortunate things really happen to me, I'll lose for sure. Lawl. Kidding! "You can do it, Ava!" --> is what I need to tell myself right now. xD


Okaaayy~ Gootttaa go now. Have to take a bath and all. Pleassseeeee, do be good to me, first day of classes!
.
P.S. Actually, it's the first day for me since I'm only going today. Hihi. -_- Gommeenassaaii, for being a lazy bum. xP and, good morning!! :D

Of saying too many "maybe's."

Hello~ :DD


Today has been such a busy day for me. I had 3 classes for today: Mgt. Science, Econ-102, and Mktg. Mgt. And! I still had to go to a few places during my vacant time. Anyways, I don't know if I am having bad or good luck but this has been a bittersweet day for me.

Adam gave me a prediction today saying I will be great in my career. He said I liked being alone at certain times and I quite agree with this as I am a bit of an introvert. I was getting too fascinated with his talent when I heard of his bad luck prediction. He predicted that I don't have a lot of good luck when it comes to love. He pointed out that if I enter into a relationship during this stage, I would definitely get hurt. I know some of you might tell me this is nothing since it is just a prediction but honestly, I am disturbed by it. Because of this prediction, I am a bit worried. Haha. xP

Oh well, I should just research stuff about getting good luck :)



Also, today, me and my friends took a lot of photos using the Webcam Toy Application. It was really fun that I risked being late for my Mktg. Mgt, class. Hahha. :) Luckily, I arrived just on time. Blah blah, had quiz, an essay type of quiz, at that. Lucky! :D


Annnndd.. before I forget and before I change my mind, I have decided to get back to work this October. I decided I should earn a lot of money so I can go to all the places I wanna go and so that I can treat my family to a night out. :)


Buuut, it's harddddd.. I am not that motivated right now, honestly. Hayyzz. :(


Late this evening, a friend of mine pointed out that I am fond of saying too many maybe's. This comment made me realize how fond I am of overthinking. Yesss, I knooowww, many people have told me that I should not overthink. But I can't help it!! I can imagine a lotta things in a split second and I don't even know how to stop the process. Lol.



:]

Okay. So much for a boring blog entry.
Sorry guys! Lol, got class on my law subject tomorrow 9 Am.


G o o d      N i g h t   ~   <3

Look at me, take a good look at me. Do you find me a little cute? The little bit of hope in my eyes is waiting for your love to arrive. :]

Birthday Videos!! :D

Heellooooo~~ :DD



Hahhaaha. I'm making this blog so I could post the birthday videos that me and my friends have made. First, I'm gonna post the video my friends made for me a year ago, when I turned seventeen. xP

:)


The second video I'm gonna post is one we made for a japanese student of my sweet friend, Cherry Eve. :) Me and my buddies made it and I didn't expect that we would be having this MUCH fun!! :D Watchh it and see how crazy we areeee! Whahhahhaa. :D

:]

Okay, done with those. Let me tell you about the past week. :D

:]

It's has been a very exciting week for me. Though I didn't go anywhere this weekend. Hahhaa. :))
Had a lot of exams so I spent most of the week at the library. Really! It was very hard to get by. Lolz. Imagine the stiff neck you get from staring at books for hours, and how desperately you want to go out of the Lib because you feel like you can't study any longer. :))))) Phew! Thank God the week has already passed~ :))

Also, I have been trying on new hairstyles so that I could cope with the stress and haggardness brought upon by cramming and studying. Lawl. You will see that hairstyle on the vids below. :)


Also, this weekend, three of my beloved friends had their birthdays. I couldn't see them personally so I really made a lot of effort in surprising them with the following videos:

• Ivy's Birthday Video (18th)

• Dada's Birthday Video (19th)

• Louella's Birthday Video (18th)

:)


Realllyy! I had a lot of fun while making these videos. Lawl. Though I don't know if they will like it once they see it tomorrow. Lol. Anyway, they're going to watch these videos for the first time tomorrow! We are going to eat out together with the other 3rd Floor Buddies to compensate for the time when we couldn't greet and celebrate with the birthday girls personally. :)


Come, tomorrow! I'm so excited! :DD

Bye guys, I loveee you alll~ <3 _ <3
Hahahha. :D



I'm gonna make it mine. I'm sure. I know it. <3

My Free time. :)

Hi, again! xP

It's has already been days since I last got enough sleep. Lol. I wanna sleeep naaaaaaaaa but I can't find a comfortable place to sleep here at school. xP

Yep! This is the first time I've ever written my blog at school. I always do it at home while sipping a drink or munching on something. But right now, I'm actually writing without any of those! Lawl. :)

I'm kinda nervous for tomorrow's essay writing contest. I know there are lots out there who are very good at essay writing. I'm nervous maybe I'm no match to them. T_T Haha. Kidding, i shan't be nervous, righty! xP As long as I do my best, there shouldn't be any regrets. :]

Actually, it's for the DM Days Tribu Competition. I was chosen as the representative of Tribu One because I showed interest. Lol. So I can't back out now. Hahha. Have to do it until the end! :) I also agreed to do it because I heard that we will no longer be having some exams this week. They were postponed to next week. Soooo.. yaaaay~ xP Haha.. :] 

Anywaaayy, we just had our 1st Quiz in Law a few hours ago. I didn't memorize anything. I just read the readings once and I kinda regret it. Should have read lottts of times. Lolz. But it was already burning me outtt. So I stopped after finishing it once. Hahhaha. I don't really regret it that much, actually. xP I'mm ssucchh a slacker. xP 

:]

Hmmm. What else should I write here? xD

Ah! Right! I'm gonna talk about my friends. Lawl. Hm, I have a friend who got chosen as the Tribu Uno representative for the Ms. JPMAP at school. xP I'm gonna support her lotsss!!! Soooo, please support her too. XP

:]

I'm kinda preparing for the three very important events for tomorrow! :D Lots to doooo~ xP

1. Essay Writing Contest

2. Bday Celeb of my friend

3. Ms. JPMAP. 

:D 

I think tomorrow is gonna be a happy day! ^^,

:)

Alsoo.. Also, I think that is all. xD

Hhaha. It's because I have to get up already and get my things from where I recklessly left them. I can't see my bag now anywhere. Lolz. Gotta find it. Byeeee~~ :)

You will seek Him with all your heart, and soul, and strength. :]

Square-headed Lion! :D

Hi!
It's a beautiful Sunday morning~


 ;)


First off, I'm surprised with myself because I didn't really get lonely about sis not coming home this weekend. :) Next isss.. I'm disappointed with myself because I didn't meet my study plans again. Hahaha. Happily disappointed, is there really something like that?! xD Thirrddd point iss.. hm, I've been interacting with a lot of people yesterday through facebook and TWITTER! :D I have discovered a way of enjoying twitter. Yaayyy~! Cheeerss to that~ x]] Fouurtthh point: I've recently been addicted to Kitchie Nadal's songs so I guess I've been singing like a crazy person to Kitchie's songs day in and day out. Hahaha. Fifth.. (woah, i'm talkative) last week I've been very busy with studies and my passport. I have to be prepared just in case there's an opportunity to go to my dream places! :DD


On this post, I'm gonna post a really cute icon that, I think, best describes me. :D I just found this one on the Internet and yeah, I really can relate to it.

It's a square-headed lion that I took from the story, "The Square-Headed Lion". xD I think I already mentioned that term twice. xD It's about a lion who looks different from the others and considers himself as the odd one out. In order to blend in with the others, he tries to change his own appearance by dipping his mane (head) into the river, achieving a round  mane. To his surprise, all the other lions have changed into a square mane the time he got back! After all, they actually liked him the way he were and from then on, they happily lived ever after! x]

On that note, I want to declare that I really want to get this stuff! :D

It's really cute, isn't it? :DD

Last week, my friends played with my art papers. xD Sooo here are the pictures of our Origami-making event at the UPVTC Library. xD Yessss, we didn't study! Hahhaha.

I'm gonna make these when I get my free time! xP

I've also taken a liking to BoA! :) Soooo astiig xP


Hm, also.. also I'm a bit hungry now! xD So I guess I have to get out of here and grab my food. Lolz. Hm, next week is going to be exams week. Tooo bad because next week is also DM week! We're gonna be celebrating! :)) And! We received an invitation from my HS classmate, Siobe, to go to SPSBS to watch Aloy do something crazy. Hahah. Fisshyyyyy~ Last hirit! We're putting up a retro band for the DM night. Lolz. I dunno but we have to succeed in this! XD though, we haven't practiced yet. xP


I'm gonna eat and study afterwards so..
Ciao, amigos! I love youuu xP ^___^



Don't be afraid to be different from the others. :)

Truths about having a sense of self. :)

Hi! :D It's been a long time since I've written  a blog. :)

Lately, I've been applying to *tooot* and it's making me feel dead tired. Lol. Kidding! I have friends who I can ask about it so the situation is not really that bad for me. :)

Good luck to meeee! ^___^

I found this article on the internet. This is not my article! :)

This is a post I’ve been meaning to publish for a long time as it is a personal one for me. It’s something I am putting my focus on at this point in my life. It’s all about developing a strong sense of self. When I think of a strong sense of self, I think of emotional maturity. I see it as a strong beam of light from within me – instead of a flickering flame. Over the course of a few posts I will explore 10 truths of having and maintaining a strong sense of self. In this post I want to describe each one briefly, and in the following ones I will go into some other ones in depth with specific things we can do to achieve them! Wow, haven’t I got so much fun lined up for you 

What we need to develop is a strong sense of self. A powerful inner strength that resounds from somewhere deep within you.

You have a strong sense of self when:


♥ You know how to self-soothe yourself

The ability to self soothe yourself is a skill that will take you far.

In moments of conflict or emotional discomfort the emotionally primitive response would be to suddenly look to an outside person to calm you, soothe you, help you understand, console you, accept the responsibility of the matter and implement changes. We tend to lash out in anger and fear. We make demands. We demand immediate emotional care and attention. It becomes “I don’t really care about this situation, but you better fix me and make me feel better right now!”

In that moment, when the storm is coming, you must become the calm. In the moment when your partner tells you something you were not prepared to hear, you must find your stillness. We must learn to respond but not react.

Having a strong sense does not make you exempt from experiences of disagreements, arguments and emotional pain. But a person with a strong sense of self would react differently.

In moments of conflict, or emotional discomfort – they would become more conscious. Those with a strong sense of self know how to console themselves and quiet themselves. They don’t try to control what’s happening – they just control themselves. They don’t depend on another persons actions (or lack thereof) to feel better about themselves.

They know specific things they can do that would help restore them to their natural balance. Things like – taking some time out for themselves, quiet contemplation, going for a long walk, leaving the battle field.

In the moments where you want to become submissive or dominating – don’t. Just become more conscious. You don’t have to submit or dominate something or someone in order to be in control. ♥ You keep promises to yourself

It is nearly impossible to maintain a strong sense of self if you still break promises to yourself. Everytime you break a promise to yourself, no matter how insignificant it may seem, it begins to eat away at your inner sense of trust and confidence. You start to lose trust in yourself.

A person with a strong sense of self rarely breaks the promises they make to themselves. They do not make commitments that they are not prepared to follow through on. They have trust and confidence in their own word. In their eyes (and in the eyes of others), they are always “the man for the job”. ♥ You make your own decisions and hold your own counsel

A person with a strong sense of self makes their own decisions. They don’t feel the incessant urge to share each and every single detail of every single problem they face in their life with everyone in the hopes that they may be advised, reassured or consoled. It isn’t because they want to keep secrets either, but simply because they know that if anyone should know what the next step to take in their life should be – it should be them! They think objectively about situations they are emotionally involved in. They use their logic and their intuition simultaneously to work through adverse circumstances.

They are the kind of people who always know what they did or said something. ♥ You have your own hobbies and interests that you pursue outside of your friends/relationship

Those with a strong sense of self exercise their creativity by getting involved in their hobbies and interests. They are brave enough to pursue hobbies that perhaps their partner or close friends are not a part of. People with a strong sense of self are usually the most interesting people because they place equal importance on exploring themselves. They don’t always stick to what is familiar. They are happy and busy people, that don’t depend on another persons involvement in order to pursue something that may interest them. ♥ You can set boundaries on other people’s demands on your time, energy and resources

When you have a strong sense of self you feel okay with saying no. You respect and value your time and energy as valuable resources that shouldn’t be given away carelessly. When you have a strong sense of self, you can objectively look at requests, make your own decisions and set boundaries kindly. You don’t expect the “requestor” to decide what a “reasonable time” for you is, or how much effort you should be putting into their project, or what proportion of your resources you should be investing. You make these decisions. ♥ You can make your own life-choices without the need for constant reassurance and approval

People with a strong sense of self make their own decisions about their life. They welcome support, information and advice, but they do not depend on reassurance and approval. They take full responsibility for their decisions and commitments.

Most importantly, when they do not get approval, they are still able to act with love and understanding and not bitterness or revenge (trying to prove that they were right). ♥ You act authentically, not how you “think” you should act

When you have a strong sense of self – you must be authentic and leave your “strong sense of ego” behind. Being “right” is not as important to these people, as it is for them to be real. In all of their interactions and reactions to what life gives them, they respond authentically and truly to themselves. They are unafraid to leave behind the “norms” that society has placed on them. They won’t be sad about something just because they think that’s what they should be feeling. They feel what they want to feel. They are true to themselves, making decisions and acting in a more natural way – rather than submitting to a role that we place on them. They are not afraid of their own emotions. They know that every time you make an effort to respond or react in a way that is “unnatural” for you, it just adds another façade or act that you must maintain – which takes more effort than what it’s worth – because in the end, we tend to go back to what is natural. ♥ You remain a leader of yourself no matter where your followers go

I once read that “Management want authority. Leaders take responsibility”. When you have a strong sense of self, you are by default a leader, because no matter what happens or your number of followers – you will always be a leader of yourself. Because of this fundamental belief system – these people are always on their game. They must maintain their leader qualities no matter where their flock of sheep goes. Their sense of self responsibility is not dependent on numbers or statistics about who is listening. They understand the natural and sometimes fickle nature of followers and trends – that people come and go, that numbers rise and wane, that emotions ebb and flow – and that it should not be a marker or a determiner of staying a true leader to yourself.

A person with a strong sense of self continues to live by example even when no one is watching. ♥ You take full responsibility for your life

When you have a strong sense of self, you just can’t see the point in not taking full responsibility for yourself. From a common-sense standpoint –it just doesn’t make sense not to do it. By “full responsibility” I mean more than just the airy-fairy concept that usually springs to mind. When you hold your own counsel, keep your promises, and make your own decisions – you automatically start to take responsibility for your life. When you have a strong sense of self, you give up blaming people, and start looking at your own motives and actions. You see failures not as a failures but as opportunities for growth. When someone asks them the question “what went wrong?!?! How did it end up like this?” they will always have an answer that does not involve placing the blame on someone or something else. ♥ You know yourself enough to be able to decide how true an insult is

When you have a strong sense of self you realize that you do not always have to automatically and unconsciously react to criticism with hurt, fear or defensiveness. You will realize that you are the one who interprets every thing that is thrown your way as something belittling. People with a strong sense of self are more aware and accepting or the way they are. They are familiar with who they are. Nothing you tell them would be much of a surprise, and if it was, they have the emotional maturity to consider it without defensiveness. When you have a strong sense of self you do not depend on other peoples words to define who you are and leave the highs of feeling complimented and the lows of being criticized. When you resign from this job you are left with the confidence to judge the accuracy of these statements made about you, for yourself.