"Today" is such a painful word.

Today i wanted to explain to somebody. But he didn't want to hear it. So.. i wasnt able to. 

I was planning on cancelling my trip for the National Youth Summit (Nov 23-27). Even if I already bought the plane tickets, I was wiling to give it up. I didn't want to go to Manila. 

News got to me that my favorite Ninong passed away last night. I have to go see him for the last time on Nov. 23 in Los Banos. 

Come to think of it, I had opposite thoughts in the past. I really really wanted to go to Manila. I wanted to be in the same place as somebody. So i  did all I could to buy the tickets and to join the NYS. When I was buying the ticket last August, all the days before Nov 24 were all either fully booked or had prices three times the cheapest one. So I had no choice but to book that on Nov 23. That is my mom's birthday. I was actually leaving on my mom's bday. What an ungrateful daughter I am. Back then, I thot that it was okay, it was worth it because I was going to see that person finally. Now, I have no more reason to think that way. I feel soooo stupid. Why do I so desperately want to see that person. 

I feel like a part of me has left when he did. I don't feel the same.  I lost all my arrogance. I apologized to somebody a lot of times. But those words weren't enough. I caused him to hate me. "So much." Because he said that, I became afraid. Too afraid to even respond to what he was saying. over the phone. I was hesitant to answer his calls. What if he decides to end it. What if he tells me we should just forget everything. 

Like a fool, I changed everything. I changed my phone number. I changed the name on my facebook account. As if I could forever hide from him. 

I'm not angry at anyone. I'm just frustrated. So I'm gonna hide my self inside my shell. I don't plan to come out now, or tomorrow, or the day after. But I will definitely come out when I'm already fine. 

While me and sis were on our way home, the pedicab ride we had was like a trip to the cemetery. The driver seemed to be in a daze. Didn't have a sense of direction, as if he were not listening, distracted by life's grievances. Just like me. Me and my sis got thrilled every time we were about to crash into the gutters. This happened 3 times. So we ended up laughing. My sister said something was off. She asked what was wrong but. I laughed till my cheeks burned. Till my lips were about to rip open. Till i cried tears. That was when I realized how sad and angry and down I was. 

Arriving home, I had to show myself to the restroom. I shut myself in my room, I ddnt want to face anybody but I knew I needed to face the truth. My head and tummy were both aching. But I couldn't relieve myself. Must be a panic attack. It was as if my body made the choice to punish me. For all the wrongs i have done. So i could finally be forgiven, and make up for everything.  


Good Night.